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Despite the softening of gender roles in recent decades, the primary measure of a man in Western civilization remains his social status thanks to the intersection of lingering patriarchy and intractable capitalism. Social status often equates to employment status, and employment status is the most popular marker of financial status—whether accurate or not—since it is uncouth to directly inquire.
I do not place blame on these abstractions (patriarchy, capitalism) as a way of absolving living-breathing people from any responsibility. In fact, I would argue that the problem with any bad idea or hegemonic system is that too many people wittingly buy into it. When I talk to men casually or scan LinkedIn or even Facebook profiles, I can’t help but ask myself: am I the only working-age male in America who does not define himself based on his profession or lack thereof? Moreover, am I the only working-age male who is repulsed by such a harness on individuality?
I will elaborate on this last point in the form of a thought experiment. When I think of my favorite celebrity or role model, the first thing that comes to mind is what they do—not who they are. If said celebrity or role model fell on hard times and lost his or her social status yet became a better person as a result, then he or she would likely not be considered either a celebrity or a role model for the simple reason that the former idol is now just like everyone else. He or she has become too relatable to be placed on a pedestal.
In other words, holding a higher status saps people of their individuality, along with their ability to relate to the rest of humanity. If Tom Brady runs into his fans at a bar before the Super Bowl, they only know him as the quarterback they watch on television, or live at the stadium if they can afford it, and likely have no interest in getting to know him as a person. I imagine he would be even less interested in getting to know them beyond their obsession with him as a miracle-worker and the likely G.O.A.T.
But Brady is clearly of a higher status based on his profession and his accomplishments within that profession. I am more interested in people like me—people who are also judged by their professions (or lack thereof) and given low grades by society rather than accolades. It might seem that the obvious attitude toward such a plight would be to do whatever is necessary to raise one’s status, such as learning new skills, obtaining new licenses or certifications, making friends in higher places, going back to school in pursuit of an advanced degree, and so on. While this is the logical route, it overlooks the one advantage that a lower status bestows: authentic human relationships.
To use another celebrity example, once Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos successfully navigates what might be the most expensive divorce in history, he has a deeper problem at hand. How can he know whether his new squeeze, or any subsequent squeeze, loves him for who he is and not for (what’s left of) his fortune? Unlike Bezos, I know that any woman who dates me is not doing so because of my bank account or social status. I know that she did not read about me in the news and just happen to run into me somewhere—roping me in to her early-retirement plan. I know that (somehow) she decided I had the requisite intelligence, wit, bravado, charm, kindness, and other intangibles that have nothing to do with money or social status that make me a good catch. The same could be said about my platonic friends, many of whom outclass me in a number of areas but still keep me around.
In short, I prefer to be a person rather than an idol. I prefer to be modest rather than ostentatious, to have genuine relationships based on mutual respect and appreciation, and to live by my own standards of success rather than those dictated by capitalism, patriarchy, or the Joneses. If this makes me less of a man, then so be it.
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